Stacy’s partner of twelve years does not come home one evening and she knew he was with a former lover. He begged for another chance with Stacy, but her pride and anger held her back. Stacy said she would feel like a fool if she forgave him, even though she still loved him. Stacy didn’t end the relationship, but reminds him daily of what he did to her.
Should Stacy forgive her otherwise good husband for what he did? Of course, only Stacy can make this decision.
Fact is, most marriages cannot survive knowledge of an affair, but some do and can even grow stronger in the long run.
Stacy and others who struggle with forgiveness for all kinds of marital offenses (not only affairs) can be helped in their decision by considering the following misconceptions about forgiveness:
MISCONCEPTION #1
Forgiving means that you forget about the offense.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Even though you forgive, you may never forget (and probably shouldn’t) what happened to you.
However, you can tell that you have truly forgiven an offense when you can remember it without experiencing the emotional pain connected with it.
MISCONCEPTION #2
Forgiving means that you are saying what they did was okay.
Quite the opposite. We can still forgive, but see what happened to us as unjust, unfair, or unacceptable.
There are many things that our partners can do to us that we don’t deserve or that violate the contract, covenant, or agreement you have with each other.
Yet, we can forgive by realizing that perhaps they were misguided, or flawed and thus worthy of another chance.
MISCONCEPTION #3
In order to forgive, you need to tell your partner that you forgive them.
Actually, it often backfires if you go up to someone and say “I forgive you,” especially if they see themselves as a victim instead of seeing themselves as someone who warrants forgiveness.
Fact is, forgiveness occurs in your heart