A friend told me about a conflict she was having with her next door neighbor.
Due to a misunderstanding the neighbor was pretty upset, so much so that when they passed on the street and my friend said hello and reached out to shake his hand, he withdrew it, avoided eye contact, muttered a monotone “hi” and quickly walked past her.
She felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. Stunned, she walked back to her house wondering what had just happened. It was even more upsetting because she’d communicated with this man about the confusion that had initially caused the conflict, and she thought that he’d understood her point of view. She wanted to find out what went wrong, but he clearly didn’t want to discuss it.
We talked about the incident for a while, brainstorming strategies that would help her deal with this unexpected blow, but eventually I left her to think it over on her own.
A surprise attack is one of the hardest conflicts to handle. It’s a shock to the system. Often the first reaction (after your heartbeat returns to normal) is to blame the other person or to blame yourself and to get caught in endless internal dialogue about who’s at fault and what to do next.
Regardless of the cause, a troubling conflict may take time to untangle and can disrupt our lives while it’s going on. We lose our balance and often operate on half-power, the other half working non-stop to figure out where to assign blame and (as much as possible) to justify our own actions. If it’s disturbing enough we lose focus at work and at home, have difficulty making even routine decisions, and spend wakeful nights deliberating over the best way to handle it. It’s hard to do anything wholeheartedly until it’s resolved.
I felt a lot of empathy for my friend. I’ve been there and it’s no fun. One of the ways I tried to help was to listen when she needed to talk, and I suggested she take care of herself during the process of unraveling the situation. Conflict is hard on the body, on the mind and on the spirit, and there are strategies that can help us keep perspective and move the conflict toward a positive resolution.