Owning a website gives you certain rights. For example, you have the right to plaster your URL all over the doors and windows of your SUV in hopes that someone in one of the 7 cars you pass on the way to work will get the urge to visit your website and spend gobs of money. You own the website-this is your right. You also have the right to post pictures of your family, friends, pets, and other totally uninteresting images all over your website after all it’s yours. One of the biggest rights you have as a webmaster is the right to make your website successful (and profitable) or to run it into the ground like a 737 missing both engines and landing gear. For those of you who despise online success and frown upon the wealths of cyberspace I have compiled a list of 5 ways to ruin any website.
1. Make Your Website As Cluttered As Possible
Nothing makes visitors leave quicker than a cluttered website that is hard to navigate around. So if you want people to flee from your site like it’s a rabid wolf then be sure to put as much junk as you can on the homepage. Then make the links to the rest of the website hard to find. Be sure to have lots and lots of pictures, forms, banners and pop-ups as well. All the relevant information should be well hidden, and the main focus should appear to be the countless programs you want visitors to sign up for. That should keep any pesky visitors from ever coming back.
2. Never Update Your Website
If someone were to visit your website today and then come back 6 months from now they should see the same information. Nothing should be updated. This will let them know that you care nothing about the website and that you have nothing new to offer them. The next time they see a listing for your website they won’t even bother to visit. Great!
3. Never Ever Advertise
Advertising cost money and it might draw some good targeted traffic to your website. So be sure to never advertise. You can just keep promoting your website through those same tired free programs that you have been using for years. This should bring you little or no traffic, and the traffic that does come won’t be your target audience so they’re almost certain to leave without spending a dime. Awesome!
4. Always Sell A Crappy Product
Selling good products online can get you a good reputation. A good reputation can get you repeat sales and new customers. You don’t want all this hassle. So find the worst products you can and sell them exclusively. This should damage your reputation to the point where no one wants to bother buying from your site. Be sure to lie about your product too. This will further ruin any kind of credibility you may have.
5. Never Respond To Any Questions
If someone emails you with a question about your website or products on your website, Do Not Reply. Replying could be considered courteous and businesslike. You don’t want to come off that way. It’s better to just delete any emails from people who were interested enough in your website to take the time to email. Hopefully this will drive them to one of your competitors websites and out of your hair.
There you have it folks. Five great ways to ruin any website. So don’t blame me if you don’t follow these tips and you become an online success story. I’ve done all I can to try and help out. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to write down the URL that’s airbrushed on the hood of this Ford Explorer beside me…
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